..bittersweet..

as of today,
the 30th March 2007,
if the exams go well,
and the results come back 'positive' in two months time,

today, will mark the end of my clinical medicine teaching
of course, i still have a week of lectures next week
about 10 days of study break
4 days of osces and written exams
another two weeks of break
followed by two weeks of shadowing (which might only be a few days for me, since I'm not working here)

if all goes well, insyaAllah
the next time i go back to the wards (if not as patient/ patient's relative)
will be as a junior doctor..
unbelievable?
believe it!

when the end is near,
the beginning seems even closer
scary?
more than words can describe
i don't think i'm ready
but maybe i will never be ready

if you ask,
i still don't know for sure why, or how i get this far
there are moments when i just want to drop everything and run away
far far away..

but i am here, now
i believe that there are reasons why i made it this far
and better plans that Allah have in store for me
and with time, it will all become clearer

as for the moment, a step at a time..
let me pass the exams first..aminnn
and i'll deal with the rest when the time come.
just a few little steps more..aite? :)

carpe diem!

..a little self-reflection..

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." *heheh..sangat betul. i can shut down whenever I want to. I can build a wall and detach myself. I also have selective deafness :D* Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. *hehe not sure about balancing work and play. I think I play more than what's healthy* Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. *urmm.. i do tolerate people better than my close friends, so i guess that's true* Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. *yep, I am a worrier, although I tried not to show it too much :p* Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue. *heheh.. i guess this goes with my agreeableness kot??*

The Five Factor Personality Test

heheh.. found this test at leeds blog while bloghopping. thought I give it a go ;)

..way back into love..

"I've been living with the shadow overhead,

I've been sleeping with the cloud above my head,

I've been lonely for so long,

Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on"

~way back into love, hugh grant & drew barrymore~

My last case presentation went well, alhamdulillah. Despite the fact that we were starved and missed the oh-so-delicious hot food and dessert of the grand round, and annoyed that the assessment didn't start till 1245 (susah sangatlah nak bagitau yang dia akan lambat - so why don't you let us have lunch first- demm surgeons!!), it went okay. Besides, by the time it was my turn he ran out of questions and time as well. ngehehe, so he didn't ask loads. :)

Weekend was very unproductive. I supposed because it's the end of placement, I just feel like celebrating. Went to jam at Kamarul's place with Nisa. Asked them to learn 'way back into love', so I can sing my heart out. Menyanyi sampai sakit kepala :p. Then got very very miserable on saturday, went to market to get some spray carnations which is now blooming very prettily :D. And because I'm not in the mood of studying, I ended up doing some cross-stitching instead. But I mis-calculate the little boxes, and malas nak bukak balik. So now, I'm just continuing it, and maybe try adjust later when I'm adding more colours in. I've put it away now to resist the temptation.

I've just started my new and last placement in pinderfields hospital yesterday. The timetable is not too bad, I think. Lots of ward work, which means lots of free time. Although I still have to get a few more signatures for my blue book, I'm thinking of forging some :p. I mean, there are some good stuff there, but some of it are the things that they don't do that often. I mean, some of it even the SHO only ever seen it once. How lah they'd expect us to do it. Sigh. I need to ask Fats for help, see if she can sign some more stuff on my book. heheh.

It was only the first day, and I hate Pinders already. The hospital is in a few different buildings, and the fact that they're demolishing some of the sites are sooo not helping. All the buildings are attached with little 'glass-link corridor'. Gelas lah sangat. Macam jalan tikus ok. 2-3 kali aku ulang alik dalam tu, aku dah rasa claustrophobic giler. Memang by the end of it pening kepala lah. Dah laa diorang siap ada this little kereta yang bawak all the patients' files, equipment etc, memang lah macam tikus. Not to mention the signs were on the sides of the wall - and itu adalah di sebelah bawah dinding. Siapa nak nampak??? bengong!! I'm so gonna be lost in there.

Oh, and don't get me started on the accommodation. Oklah, to be fair, I haven't stayed there yet, and the room and kitchen looks ok. But the actual building itself haiyoo.. We couldn't even find the rooms at first. I supposed we're lucky that our rooms are in the new building. The old bit, was like a run-down. Did I mention about the sign post?? Puaslah nak mencari nombor-nombor bilik itu. Sigh. I supposed after the very much-newer-and-free-lunches-almost everyday in Dewsbury, this is a complete turn-off. Oh yeah, and they make a point that we shouldn't have the free lunches unless invited. Well, well, it means, no free stuff from the drug reps as well. Lucky I took quite a few pens and highlighters and post-it notes from drug reps in Dewsbury.

OK, better hit the books again. I've been staring at the same page for almost 2 hours now.
Laters, people!

..it's not just my furniture you rearrange...

Music and lyrics was so sweet and witty. Went to watch it wif fiona and Jijejah last weekend, and if you enjoy chick-flicks then this is a must. hugh grant's voice was pretty good, and the songs were all catchy, although I have to admit that the lyrics were a bit weird. Like 'love autopsy' and "Pop! Goes my heart".

The story started with a video clip of 'Pop! goes my heart' done in 80s style, complete with ruffle shirts and so-called Pop! dance. Then came the story. I've always been a fan of Hugh, not because of his looks, but because I found his all-over-the-place character endearing. hehhehe. And the songs, I can't stop humming it for the past few days!! Especially the main song "Way back into love". Nice!

Anyway, need to get back to revision. Got a case presentation tomorrow. My 20 years old patient got loin pain, which sounded like a renal colic, so have to read up on the differential diagnoses. Mr Fawole is doing our assessment tomorrow, and hopefully he'll be nice to us. He said he likes our group anyway, so that's a good sign, ain't it? Hope he won't ask us difficult questions. And I supposed he's not as scary as Mr Macklin.

Anyway, wish me luck!!