..bittersweet..

as of today,
the 30th March 2007,
if the exams go well,
and the results come back 'positive' in two months time,

today, will mark the end of my clinical medicine teaching
of course, i still have a week of lectures next week
about 10 days of study break
4 days of osces and written exams
another two weeks of break
followed by two weeks of shadowing (which might only be a few days for me, since I'm not working here)

if all goes well, insyaAllah
the next time i go back to the wards (if not as patient/ patient's relative)
will be as a junior doctor..
unbelievable?
believe it!

when the end is near,
the beginning seems even closer
scary?
more than words can describe
i don't think i'm ready
but maybe i will never be ready

if you ask,
i still don't know for sure why, or how i get this far
there are moments when i just want to drop everything and run away
far far away..

but i am here, now
i believe that there are reasons why i made it this far
and better plans that Allah have in store for me
and with time, it will all become clearer

as for the moment, a step at a time..
let me pass the exams first..aminnn
and i'll deal with the rest when the time come.
just a few little steps more..aite? :)

carpe diem!

..a little self-reflection..

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." *heheh..sangat betul. i can shut down whenever I want to. I can build a wall and detach myself. I also have selective deafness :D* Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. *hehe not sure about balancing work and play. I think I play more than what's healthy* Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. *urmm.. i do tolerate people better than my close friends, so i guess that's true* Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. *yep, I am a worrier, although I tried not to show it too much :p* Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue. *heheh.. i guess this goes with my agreeableness kot??*

The Five Factor Personality Test

heheh.. found this test at leeds blog while bloghopping. thought I give it a go ;)

..way back into love..

"I've been living with the shadow overhead,

I've been sleeping with the cloud above my head,

I've been lonely for so long,

Trapped in the past I just can't seem to move on"

~way back into love, hugh grant & drew barrymore~

My last case presentation went well, alhamdulillah. Despite the fact that we were starved and missed the oh-so-delicious hot food and dessert of the grand round, and annoyed that the assessment didn't start till 1245 (susah sangatlah nak bagitau yang dia akan lambat - so why don't you let us have lunch first- demm surgeons!!), it went okay. Besides, by the time it was my turn he ran out of questions and time as well. ngehehe, so he didn't ask loads. :)

Weekend was very unproductive. I supposed because it's the end of placement, I just feel like celebrating. Went to jam at Kamarul's place with Nisa. Asked them to learn 'way back into love', so I can sing my heart out. Menyanyi sampai sakit kepala :p. Then got very very miserable on saturday, went to market to get some spray carnations which is now blooming very prettily :D. And because I'm not in the mood of studying, I ended up doing some cross-stitching instead. But I mis-calculate the little boxes, and malas nak bukak balik. So now, I'm just continuing it, and maybe try adjust later when I'm adding more colours in. I've put it away now to resist the temptation.

I've just started my new and last placement in pinderfields hospital yesterday. The timetable is not too bad, I think. Lots of ward work, which means lots of free time. Although I still have to get a few more signatures for my blue book, I'm thinking of forging some :p. I mean, there are some good stuff there, but some of it are the things that they don't do that often. I mean, some of it even the SHO only ever seen it once. How lah they'd expect us to do it. Sigh. I need to ask Fats for help, see if she can sign some more stuff on my book. heheh.

It was only the first day, and I hate Pinders already. The hospital is in a few different buildings, and the fact that they're demolishing some of the sites are sooo not helping. All the buildings are attached with little 'glass-link corridor'. Gelas lah sangat. Macam jalan tikus ok. 2-3 kali aku ulang alik dalam tu, aku dah rasa claustrophobic giler. Memang by the end of it pening kepala lah. Dah laa diorang siap ada this little kereta yang bawak all the patients' files, equipment etc, memang lah macam tikus. Not to mention the signs were on the sides of the wall - and itu adalah di sebelah bawah dinding. Siapa nak nampak??? bengong!! I'm so gonna be lost in there.

Oh, and don't get me started on the accommodation. Oklah, to be fair, I haven't stayed there yet, and the room and kitchen looks ok. But the actual building itself haiyoo.. We couldn't even find the rooms at first. I supposed we're lucky that our rooms are in the new building. The old bit, was like a run-down. Did I mention about the sign post?? Puaslah nak mencari nombor-nombor bilik itu. Sigh. I supposed after the very much-newer-and-free-lunches-almost everyday in Dewsbury, this is a complete turn-off. Oh yeah, and they make a point that we shouldn't have the free lunches unless invited. Well, well, it means, no free stuff from the drug reps as well. Lucky I took quite a few pens and highlighters and post-it notes from drug reps in Dewsbury.

OK, better hit the books again. I've been staring at the same page for almost 2 hours now.
Laters, people!

..it's not just my furniture you rearrange...

Music and lyrics was so sweet and witty. Went to watch it wif fiona and Jijejah last weekend, and if you enjoy chick-flicks then this is a must. hugh grant's voice was pretty good, and the songs were all catchy, although I have to admit that the lyrics were a bit weird. Like 'love autopsy' and "Pop! Goes my heart".

The story started with a video clip of 'Pop! goes my heart' done in 80s style, complete with ruffle shirts and so-called Pop! dance. Then came the story. I've always been a fan of Hugh, not because of his looks, but because I found his all-over-the-place character endearing. hehhehe. And the songs, I can't stop humming it for the past few days!! Especially the main song "Way back into love". Nice!

Anyway, need to get back to revision. Got a case presentation tomorrow. My 20 years old patient got loin pain, which sounded like a renal colic, so have to read up on the differential diagnoses. Mr Fawole is doing our assessment tomorrow, and hopefully he'll be nice to us. He said he likes our group anyway, so that's a good sign, ain't it? Hope he won't ask us difficult questions. And I supposed he's not as scary as Mr Macklin.

Anyway, wish me luck!!

i've been tagged..

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts out by telling 6 weird things about themselves on their own blog, as well as state the rules clearly. At the end, you will need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list out their names. After you do that, leave them a comment on their blogs letting them know you tagged them.

Ok, mala tagged me yesterday, and I was gonna do it straight away, but I can't really think of any of my weirdness or craziness (I quite like to think of myself as level-headed, very sensible girl..ahaha :p). But then again, after thinking about it, I guess, I'm a bit weird afterall :p

So here goes:

1. I sometimes come out with a standard textbook or shall I say, classic malay words like 'gundah', during conversations. Sometimes I even come out with a proper pepatah/ peribahasa yang jarang digunakan just to get my point across. I also pick up falsafah from storybooks and use them as advises to my friends (especially all those love philosophies) heheh.

2. It's strange to know that my bestfriend like to 'mencangkung' when she's writing, because I myself have this habit of mencangkung di atas kerusi, or anywhere really especially when I'm doing work, or just using my laptop. I found it most comfortable, and I don't usually realise that I'm doing it kecuali bila dah kena tegur. It's not a proper mencangkung though, becos my butt will be on the chair - it's like halfway between mencangkung and sitting down.

3. when I go to sleep or lie down, I'll have to put my necklace on the bridge of my nose, as I'd feel strangled if it's around my neck. So, I dont really like wearing those little necklaces that sits right around the neck. I like the chain to be a bit longer so it can reach my nose.

4. I have cold feet. I wear socks pretty much all the time. I doesn't matter if I'm wearing sleeveless or a nightie, I have to wear socks. Despite the lack of body fat, I can withstand cold temperatures. As long as I have my socks, I'll survive.

5. I love reading. Ever since I learned how to read, I read pretty much everything. I used to read articles from kertas bungkus nasik lemak. It's a shame they don't use newspaper anymore.
6. I'm a bit paranoid, and always imagine having a terrible accident. Like if I'm climbing up the stairs, I'll imagine myself falling down from the highest step and break my neck. Or if I'm walking on a slippery road, I'll imagine myself slipped and get run down by a bus or something. It makes me wince, and I'll have to close my eyes to get rid of it.

That's it. I'm breaking the rules now. I won't tag anyone ;). Feel free to do it if you're interested :)

love is..

Cinta
(Misha Omar & Jacklyn Victor)

menapak jalan yg menjauh

tentukan arah yg ku mau

tempatan aku pada satu peristiwa

yg membuat hati lara

di dekat engkau aku tenang

sendu matamu penuh tanya

misteri hidup akankah menghilang

dan bahagia di akhir cerita

cinta, tegarkan hatiku

tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau

naluriku berkata,

tak ingin terulang lagi

kehilangan cinta,

hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

aku junjung petuamu

cintai dia yg mencintaiku

hatinya dulu berlayar,

kini telah menepi

bukankah hidup kita

akhirnya harus bahagia

di dekat engkau aku tenang

sendu matamu penuh tanya

misteri hidup akankah menghilang

dan bahagia di akhir cerita

cinta biar saja ada

yg terjadi biar saja terjadi

bagaimana pun hidup ini hanya cerita

cerita tentang yg meninggalkan

dan yg ditinggalkan

cinta......

.unwell.

I decided not to go to theatre today. Had a bad stomachache yesterday, and still wasn't feeling well this morning. It's been a while since I last had it, I felt almost dizzy. Dah laa masa tu I was on the way balik Leeds. Alhamdulillah selamat sampai rumah, tanpa terjadi apa-apa. Indigestion je pun rasanya, but since it's not getting much better, I decided to make an appointment to see the GP today. Alhamdulillah, it's as I thought, prolly added with extra stress, hence the symptoms.

Also, told the GP that we just found out that my sister and my mom are beta-thalassaemia carrier, and I wasn't sure whether I should get myself tested. Not that it's going to change much, but I supposed it's good to know. I've been thinking about it for a while, but I supposed better to get it over and done with, put my mind at rest. So had a tube of blood taken out. Lebam tangan ku, due to my tiny little vein, the nurse punctured it through to the other side. Berborak-borak dengan that nurse, and she was giving me tips on how to take blood properly, and not to bruise my patients so much, especially the elderly. Also she warned me not to let any of my colleagues to take my blood sebab vein yang kecik, hehehe. nurses are fine, since they do it all the time. Totally agree with her :p. she's got beatiful veins though, would be a good one to practice cannulation on. I told her, that after learning how to take bloods and cannulate, I keep looking at people's veins thinking, "oh that's a good one, I'm sure I can get bloods out from there". hahaha.. Dia pun sama rupanya. Sad people, we are, lol!! (I still do it now, for some reason, esp kalu tgk vein yg mcm pipe je tu.. cannot help it lah!!! Dia dah macam second nature, although sekarang ni takde lah teruk macam dulu. heheheh) Gilo!!


I think I've finished my last SSC. just need to print it out and hand it in tomorrow. It's not as good, but I really can't spend anymore time on it. I hope I've done enough. Weekend is near, and we planned to watch music and lyrics this weekend. Nisa kata muvi itu sangat best. Also, I better start eating proper food now and look after my health. Don't want to get ill nearer to the exams now, aite?